Feeling Like the Fat Kid

**Warning….This is venting. No one has actually been mean to me or said anything about my constant fails and weight.**

Fit Camp Week 2

So…This is Monday, week 3 of Fit Camp. My neighbors started a free camp twice a week for us to come workout. Mondays are cardio and Fridays are strength training. I absolutely love it! I’m not the fastest (in fact I’m always last on the 2 laps). I’m not the most athletic. But, I have fun. We even did Ultimate Frisbee, and that had to be my favorite. It was like fun cardio.

I had started with this schedule idea and it all got thrown off on week 2. I wasn’t eating well. Didn’t feel well. Mostly, it was due to stress from my boys being down right awful. I had been trying to journal…But, that failed too. I didn’t even really get in my yoga. However, I did work out in the yard 3 days this week in the horrendous Arkansas heat. I did make it down to the park on Friday, even though our Fit Camp leaders were out of town, and did my two laps and some yoga.

However…They remembered the scales this week. The fancy scale that can tell me more than just how much I weigh. It didn’t match my scale. My scale said I was about 283… Well….As much as I hate to admit this publicly… Theirs said 292. I had to hold back the tears. I felt so defeated.

I work so hard on my diet. Have cut so many things out… I do work at it. I know consistency is my biggest struggle…But dear lord most people drop sodas and drop 10 pounds…I haven’t had a soda since January 7th, of 2014!!!! (Over 18 months!)

So here is what I learned from this handy dandy scale…Keeping in mind, I am 27 and I’m 5 foot 10 inches tall.

weight: 292

body fat percentage: 50%

muscle mass (in pounds): 137 (Which he said was actually good.)

body fat (in pounds): 155

It also made some recommendations based on these numbers that I should be taking in 144 grams of protein, 150 ounces of water, and my calorie goal should be around 2,100. All good things to know.

But, as I walked around the loop for my laps, I was crying. I texted my husband and he told me to be strong. I stuck with it…Even though I felt like running to my car and driving up the road to my house and hiding. I was embarrassed. I work so hard at trying to lose weight. I eat really clean. More clean than anyone I know. I have discovered the foods that bother me and for the most part am successful at keeping them out of my diet.

As I was walking I couldn’t help but think….I’m the fat kid in camp. I doubt even some of the men don’t weigh as much as I do. I workout, I do yoga, and I don’t let much of anything stop me (especially my weight) from doing anything. But, I’m still the fat kid in class. I’m the biggest and the slowest.

Truthfully…It’s the first time in my life, even though I’ve been overweight most of my life, that I’ve ever felt like the fat kid. Not even in gym during high school. I could handle it. It took me 27 years to finally feel fat. I’ve been able to admit with it. Deal with it. But…I’ve never felt it.

I can only imagine the mental distress this would have caused me 10 years ago. Thankfully, I’m old enough to vent and move on and do something about it.

I guess I can say this is just one bump in the road. I have more knowledge, and that’s always a good thing. Now that I know where I’m at I can stop feeling depressed, find me a sturdy horse and get back on the wagon. My husband made an excellent point though. I do great at eating completely clean for months on end if I don’t work out. I’m also half as hungry. Then I start working out, I get so hungry and I make bad decisions that derail any progress. I’m going to have to be more mindful of this.

Thank you for anyone who read through all of my venting. Writing is a really good therapy for me that helps me get all of my thoughts out of my head. I know the people around me would never probably even think of me as the fat kid…We’re just sometimes our own worst critic. But, hopefully I’ll move on and learn from this.

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To the Folks that Constantly Remind Me, I have 3 Children…

My 3 Baby Yogis

Dear neighbors, on lookers, friends, and curious strangers…

That’s right. You can count. 1…2….3… Yes! I have more than the average family. Instead of 2.1 children…I have 3. Yes…My oldest and youngest look like twins and that can be confusing…Regardless…Good observation skills that I have 3 kiddos all close together. In fact, if I had time to stop and talk to you, they could recite to you that my teeny, tiny little Madison is 5, my very tall son Rylan is 4 (and dwarfs his older sister), and that the cute little cutie patootie Mark is 3 (not Madison’s twin).

I have to thank the countless amounts of random folks who brag on my children. Grocery store checkers, random mom’s in the parking lot, or even important people like when we visit our lawyer… Yep. My kids can go important places, and 9/10 times are absolute angels. I try to return this to others. For instance, while on vacation, we were at a restaurant and a mom and dad had 2 little ones probably not much older than ours. I went over and told them I had to brag on how good their kids were. We’re sometimes not told enough what a good job we’re doing, and I just wanted to make sure they knew they had some really awesome kiddos behaving so nicely in a good restaurant. We’re always quick to pick out those bad kids throwing a fit and looking down on the parents.

But, back to our fine folks…the on lookers, other shoppers…The commenters. Dear people, I have to say that your comments about my hands being full…are unnecessary. I’m not sure how to say this any different. I was even told, what a hassle I must have. I just laughed and walked on. But, I feel the need to get this out. I have to put it out there so that maybe someone will choose their words a little bit better.

My hands are not full…My heart is. My kids are many things…but a hassle…or a burden…They are NOT. If anything, they are a lesson, or constant reminder. They are a mirror, and accountability. Are they frustrating sometimes? Sure. What child isn’t? But I like what Elliott Hulse says about 3 types of people in your life. There are mirrors, who are supposed to show you something about yourself. There are crystal balls, who show you how you could be if you keep on the same path (good or bad). Then there are angels that are simply there to teach you a lesson. Now…learning and growing and maturing is not easy. As a parent, you’re really forced into it. You have to keep on your toes. You never know what your kids are going to throw at you next (both literally and figuratively). Children, are usually always mirrors.

Truthfully…I understand your point. A lot of parents are overwhelmed these days. They lack the discipline to keep their kids in order. We work really hard and make it a point that we expect good behavior out of our children. They do occasionally have their issues. I had to walk Madison’s whiny self out of Old Navy the other day because she wouldn’t listen and hear me in a situation and continued to whine when it was inappropriate. Did she get in trouble? Yes! But, we also understood that this little girl is getting old enough to avoid her naps…but sometimes she does still need it.

I see plenty of other parents with children screaming, and running, and throwing things. However, I don’t think you’d walk up to them and tell them they had their hands full. Or that they have such a hassle.

So to our dear friends and neighbors that greet us with smiles and take the time to see what awesome kids we’ve raised, we thank you and hug you. To those of you folks who constantly want to remind me that I have 3 children to raise into good, respectable citizens…I know. I know I have 3 kids. They are not a hassle or a burden…They are a blessing and a constant life lesson. Even though I’m usually the teacher…they teach me just as much in return.

-Ami M. Lee, Mom of 3 Awesome Kids