Feeling Like the Fat Kid

**Warning….This is venting. No one has actually been mean to me or said anything about my constant fails and weight.**

Fit Camp Week 2

So…This is Monday, week 3 of Fit Camp. My neighbors started a free camp twice a week for us to come workout. Mondays are cardio and Fridays are strength training. I absolutely love it! I’m not the fastest (in fact I’m always last on the 2 laps). I’m not the most athletic. But, I have fun. We even did Ultimate Frisbee, and that had to be my favorite. It was like fun cardio.

I had started with this schedule idea and it all got thrown off on week 2. I wasn’t eating well. Didn’t feel well. Mostly, it was due to stress from my boys being down right awful. I had been trying to journal…But, that failed too. I didn’t even really get in my yoga. However, I did work out in the yard 3 days this week in the horrendous Arkansas heat. I did make it down to the park on Friday, even though our Fit Camp leaders were out of town, and did my two laps and some yoga.

However…They remembered the scales this week. The fancy scale that can tell me more than just how much I weigh. It didn’t match my scale. My scale said I was about 283… Well….As much as I hate to admit this publicly… Theirs said 292. I had to hold back the tears. I felt so defeated.

I work so hard on my diet. Have cut so many things out… I do work at it. I know consistency is my biggest struggle…But dear lord most people drop sodas and drop 10 pounds…I haven’t had a soda since January 7th, of 2014!!!! (Over 18 months!)

So here is what I learned from this handy dandy scale…Keeping in mind, I am 27 and I’m 5 foot 10 inches tall.

weight: 292

body fat percentage: 50%

muscle mass (in pounds): 137 (Which he said was actually good.)

body fat (in pounds): 155

It also made some recommendations based on these numbers that I should be taking in 144 grams of protein, 150 ounces of water, and my calorie goal should be around 2,100. All good things to know.

But, as I walked around the loop for my laps, I was crying. I texted my husband and he told me to be strong. I stuck with it…Even though I felt like running to my car and driving up the road to my house and hiding. I was embarrassed. I work so hard at trying to lose weight. I eat really clean. More clean than anyone I know. I have discovered the foods that bother me and for the most part am successful at keeping them out of my diet.

As I was walking I couldn’t help but think….I’m the fat kid in camp. I doubt even some of the men don’t weigh as much as I do. I workout, I do yoga, and I don’t let much of anything stop me (especially my weight) from doing anything. But, I’m still the fat kid in class. I’m the biggest and the slowest.

Truthfully…It’s the first time in my life, even though I’ve been overweight most of my life, that I’ve ever felt like the fat kid. Not even in gym during high school. I could handle it. It took me 27 years to finally feel fat. I’ve been able to admit with it. Deal with it. But…I’ve never felt it.

I can only imagine the mental distress this would have caused me 10 years ago. Thankfully, I’m old enough to vent and move on and do something about it.

I guess I can say this is just one bump in the road. I have more knowledge, and that’s always a good thing. Now that I know where I’m at I can stop feeling depressed, find me a sturdy horse and get back on the wagon. My husband made an excellent point though. I do great at eating completely clean for months on end if I don’t work out. I’m also half as hungry. Then I start working out, I get so hungry and I make bad decisions that derail any progress. I’m going to have to be more mindful of this.

Thank you for anyone who read through all of my venting. Writing is a really good therapy for me that helps me get all of my thoughts out of my head. I know the people around me would never probably even think of me as the fat kid…We’re just sometimes our own worst critic. But, hopefully I’ll move on and learn from this.

AIP – The AutoImmune Protocol

I’m not sure if I’ve really mentioned it on this blog yet. But, I started the AutoImmune Protocol on January 5th. What is this you ask? You’re starting a different diet? Nope. I’m still Paleo. But, the AutoImmune Protocol (or further known as AIP) is a stricter version of Paleo that eliminates certain foods that many people are sensitive to. This includes:

  • Nightshades (tomatoes, peppers, eggplant, white potatoes, and many more)
  • Nuts and Seeds (including spices from seeds such as cumin)
  • No chocolate
  • No coffee (Which isn’t hard because I gave up coffee months ago.)
  • Alcohol (But you can cook it out, in moderation.)
  • Eggs

The hardest things so far have been nuts, eggs, and chocolate. When you go Paleo, it is so easy to use nuts for everything. Almond butter, almond flour, use them in baking for better texture, and just about anything else. Most all of my treats had nuts and chocolate.

Nightshades haven’t been as hard, but I’ve had this natural aversion to tomatoes for a long while. I ate them plenty growing up, but now I can’t even stomach the thought of tomato sauce. However, they do hide in a lot of products like hot dogs, and even gluten free seasonings, and guacamole.

The first week I lost 4ish-5 pounds. I have an analog scale, so the exact measurement is difficult. However, that day I had a larabar with some nuts in it. The next morning I shot right back out of those 4 or 5 pounds. Over night! Could this be the link to why I wasn’t losing any weight, no matter how hard I worked out, stayed consistent, only drank water…etc!? I guess we’ll see in about a week if I re-lose those 4-5ish pounds.

The AIP is definitely not for the faint of heart. Most people who are on the AIP have serious health issues and this is their last hope. This isn’t the diet you adopt for a week and giggle to your girlfriends over a cocktail that you lost 2 pounds. This is not for the willy nilly, fair weather dieter. This is a learning tool. This is a health tool.

You’re not meant to stay on AIP forever. After a certain period, that can be determined by the person and be different for everyone, you can start reintroductions of these foods. Preferably, one at a time and spaced out enough to allow for reactions. It could take up to 72 hours for a reaction to occur.

AIP is to optimize what your body truly needs to heal itself. I’ve been blogging for years about all the healthy things, programs, and workouts I’ve done to try to lose weight and get healthy. And yet, I haven’t been this close to getting into the 260s since I gave birth to my youngest son. Years and years of hard work.

It’s hard because it can be socially isolating. You really can’t “cheat” (I hate referring to it as cheating…another blog, another time.) because you need to heal and keep anything you’re sensitive to out. It’s difficult to go out for supper with your loved ones. There are ways, and if you’re AIP I encourage you google articles that recommend how to eat while on an elimination diet. It takes thought, and cooperation, but it can be done.

I actually cried when I couldn’t have a mozzarella stick the other day that my husband had with his lunch. I felt sick to my stomach and I knew, eating it wouldn’t be relief. It would make things worse. Have I been perfect? No. Remember that Larabar?

And giving up Larabars after you win a huge giveaway and you have a box full in your cabinet is hard! They’re such an easy snack and AIP takes away that…Oh I’ll just grab this and eat it quickly and go on about my busy life.

I worry though…That put in the wrong hands, this diet could lead to obsessive eating. I’m constantly checking labels and reading….reading…and more reading.

I’m trying to counteract this by having my calendar. I’m writing down my reactions. Slips. Weight loss, and slips all on this calendar. I have my 60 day goal laid out. That’s just my first goal before introductions.

I wouldn’t have made it this far without support. Big shout out to my AIP Warrior friends on Facebook! These gals have been so amazing. And The Paleo Approach Community has been great at answering any of my general questions. I usually get more personal with my AIP Warrior family than I do in the Paleo Approach Community because PAC has 31,000 members! AIP Warriors is about 50. So seek out these type of groups! They’re so helpful. And, I must say, that my husband has been very supportive and kind. I can’t say enough that I couldn’t have gotten this far (9 days) without these lovely people.

Last thing, I think I’d like to ramble on about (because that’s what I feel like I’m doing) is that there are a lot of great resources out there. The Paleo Approach and Paleo Approch Cookbook are an amazing place to start to understand the “Why’s” and there are more and more blogs, recipes, and voices added to the AIP Paleo community.

I’m excited to be on this journey. Some dayy maybe I’ll be able to show before and after pictures. For now, it’s just me…healing…and feeling better. I’m amazed at the difference I’ve felt so far.

Wishing you all, peace and love. -Ami M. Lee