I’d Rather Be Strong

Fit Camp Week 2 Monday

Oh the journey I’ve been on lately. I believe I’m 7 weeks into my Fit Camp experience and while I may have lost a couple pounds I have decided…I’d rather be strong.

It’s taken me years to actually believe this and it wasn’t an easy conclusion. It’s not something I said once…It’s something I’ve had to repeat a thousand times. I had to realize that I may not ever get the opportunity to be thin while dealing with the health issues that I do. I have years to go before it may even be remotely possible to lose weight, let alone be thin. But, what I can do now, is get strong.

Stacy Toth is one of my favorite Paleo Bloggers. She does Strong (Wo)Man and competes. She lifts heavy things and is an awesome mom to three boys and has a great husband. I look at her and wonder, if that could be me one day. I’m sure, by her writing, that she also didn’t just decide that she would rather be strong in one moment. It was a culmination of moments. It was a process and it took time and now she can own it and help people like me realize…I may not be a skinny runner….Ever…Even though..I do love running and hope to get to that point some day.

I went into Fit Camp trying to be humble. Open and honest with my coaches/neighbors. I told them, I have health issues that aren’t under control and I doubt I will lose a pound. I just want to work out with others, make friends, and have fun. And…I seriously need to find some people to play Ultimate Frisbee with me again because that was so fun!

So going week by week…Having my moments where I wish I just gave up. Dealing with the soreness. Adding magnesium to combat that. Tweaking my diet. Learning more. Thinking. Reading. Contemplating… I was sitting here…

My kids are about to start school and we all know little kids can be cruel. I went to that toxic thought mode about what if someone made fun of me to one of my kids and they came home upset because a kid said their mom is fat? And…You know I really try to avoid those negative head places. It’s not often healthy or helpful…But that’s when it chose to stick. I would tell my kiddo to just say that their mommy is worried about being strong, not skinny. That’s when I said to myself… I’d rather be strong.

Not that there is anything wrong with being skinny. This is not about fat or skinny shaming at all. I think Stacy put it best when she said that some people are meant to be runners and some people are meant to lift heavy things. And while I love running, did it a lot my last two years of high school….I have to be realistic and know where I am at. I can be strong, even if I don’t have the right chemistry to get the weight off.

I’m not giving up in any way on losing weight. I just think my focus is better served if I think less about a scale number and remember all of the other measures of health such as exercise, getting out in the sun, and eating tasty healthy food and so much more. I’m not giving up on my journey to the strongest version of myself. I would just rather be strong.

-Ami M. Lee

Who Am I? Who Shall I Be?

A video from Elliott Hulse (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sT4O_1IiS8E) has, as usual, sparked a line of questions. Questions that have kept me up this night. Tossing and turning. I have so many things to express. I’m learning about all of these different parts that make up me. I feel like I’m constantly walking on a dirt road journey…ever traversing into a deeper version of myself.

At times I have my hippie skirt on. The older I get, the more tie-dye it becomes. I hear it runs in the family. ^__^ The older I get the more I crave compassion for others. For us to all get along. For our planet to be taken care of. To reduce my negative foot print on this world. To leave it better than I found it. It’s this part of me that connects with the peace of Buddhism and the belief that we are all interconnected.

There’s an officer inside me. A very strict and OCD person that likes things to be in order. She needs to control. Everyone must fall in line because I am the boss. I am the experienced person here. I trump you all (talking to my children) in life experience, therefore you should understand my guidance is sound. Fall in line people. Not that hard. My patience is thin and very fragile.

There’s a very angry and crazy person that is a part of me. In all reality…I think the hippie part of me is slowly healing this person. I used to be so out of control. But, in healing, I have to recognize that sometimes I am frustrated and angry. I am angry when things don’t go the way I think they should. I like to have a plan well in advanced and I like follow through. Disruption of my plans opens the door to anxiety and anger.

The artist in me feels like my soul. When I draw it’s as if my soul is taking over and it is the real communicator. The one true lesson I’ve learned. Paper will never judge you. It’s also like self-therapy. This person knows how to soothe and to let go.

I’m a mom. There’s that part of me. I didn’t always know it was there. I let some people trick me into thinking that it wasn’t…but it’s been a long to discovery. This person works hard. Cares so deeply that she is often hurt. Hurt when she feels like her efforts are in vain. Her heart is open and easily harmed, scratched and bruised. This person just wants everyone to be happy. She sacrifices all of her sanity in the hopes that one day, she’ll know she did something right.

I’m a law enforcement officer wife. It’s part of who my husband is, and now it is also a part of me. This person is always striving to show her love for her husband because in all truth, she never knows when that last moment will come. In the end, my greatest goal is to make sure he knows he is so deeply loved and cherished. This person fights for understanding and support above anything, in return for her hard work.

So.

All of this to tell you who I am. But, the question still remains. Who shall I be? I have goals. I have dreams. So many missions and passions to fit into one life span. To create art, to make the world beautiful in as many ways as possible, to teach, and to show compassion. To love everyone above all else, and to learn.

If Elliott were to ask me…What does the ‘Strongest Version of Yourself’ look like…. It’d look like this.

Ami

I would say…I would look just like me. A multi-deminsional person. Who is always trying to be the best mom, wife, friend, family member, and tree hugger hippie she can possibly be. It would be a person that always fights. Because I feel the day I stop fighting for my kids, or for my family, or for what I believe, is the day I’ve failed myself. The day I stop struggling, and stop caring, is the day that I have lost the battle.

Because in truth, the strongest version of myself is someone I feel is already in me. It’s the happy, positive, and full of life person that is buried under the surface. Under the mess of people, I am simply Ami. It’s taken me so long to be okay with being so many people in one body and having so many passions without center.

If anything the struggles keeping me up and writing this now…Are the struggles that are the tiny shovel, the careful brushes of the archaeologist digging up that Strongest Version of myself. It’s slow and tedious work. And sometimes a storm comes through and messes up all of your hard work. But we start again. We keep fighting. And keep moving. Or as they said in the Doctor Who episode we watched tonight…KBO. Keep buggering on.

Who Shall I Be?

I envision… The best mother that my kids need me to be. A wife that is unconditionally loving and supporting. A support of my friends hopes and dreams. I want to spread love and compassion through my community. I want to expand my passion for law enforcement officers and those in and around it…And in the process maybe become a LEO myself. I imagine a Stronger Version of Myself that people can say…She worked hard and never quit. She didn’t let anything hold her back from her dreams. The Strongest Version of Myself is balanced, positive, an acknowledger of real feelings…But brilliant at dispersing and dealing with those real feelings.

And when it gets hard or people say I’ll never succeed at my crazy idea of the Strongest Version of Myself I’ll simply say…

I am. I can. I will.

Done…