Feeling Like the Fat Kid

**Warning….This is venting. No one has actually been mean to me or said anything about my constant fails and weight.**

Fit Camp Week 2

So…This is Monday, week 3 of Fit Camp. My neighbors started a free camp twice a week for us to come workout. Mondays are cardio and Fridays are strength training. I absolutely love it! I’m not the fastest (in fact I’m always last on the 2 laps). I’m not the most athletic. But, I have fun. We even did Ultimate Frisbee, and that had to be my favorite. It was like fun cardio.

I had started with this schedule idea and it all got thrown off on week 2. I wasn’t eating well. Didn’t feel well. Mostly, it was due to stress from my boys being down right awful. I had been trying to journal…But, that failed too. I didn’t even really get in my yoga. However, I did work out in the yard 3 days this week in the horrendous Arkansas heat. I did make it down to the park on Friday, even though our Fit Camp leaders were out of town, and did my two laps and some yoga.

However…They remembered the scales this week. The fancy scale that can tell me more than just how much I weigh. It didn’t match my scale. My scale said I was about 283… Well….As much as I hate to admit this publicly… Theirs said 292. I had to hold back the tears. I felt so defeated.

I work so hard on my diet. Have cut so many things out… I do work at it. I know consistency is my biggest struggle…But dear lord most people drop sodas and drop 10 pounds…I haven’t had a soda since January 7th, of 2014!!!! (Over 18 months!)

So here is what I learned from this handy dandy scale…Keeping in mind, I am 27 and I’m 5 foot 10 inches tall.

weight: 292

body fat percentage: 50%

muscle mass (in pounds): 137 (Which he said was actually good.)

body fat (in pounds): 155

It also made some recommendations based on these numbers that I should be taking in 144 grams of protein, 150 ounces of water, and my calorie goal should be around 2,100. All good things to know.

But, as I walked around the loop for my laps, I was crying. I texted my husband and he told me to be strong. I stuck with it…Even though I felt like running to my car and driving up the road to my house and hiding. I was embarrassed. I work so hard at trying to lose weight. I eat really clean. More clean than anyone I know. I have discovered the foods that bother me and for the most part am successful at keeping them out of my diet.

As I was walking I couldn’t help but think….I’m the fat kid in camp. I doubt even some of the men don’t weigh as much as I do. I workout, I do yoga, and I don’t let much of anything stop me (especially my weight) from doing anything. But, I’m still the fat kid in class. I’m the biggest and the slowest.

Truthfully…It’s the first time in my life, even though I’ve been overweight most of my life, that I’ve ever felt like the fat kid. Not even in gym during high school. I could handle it. It took me 27 years to finally feel fat. I’ve been able to admit with it. Deal with it. But…I’ve never felt it.

I can only imagine the mental distress this would have caused me 10 years ago. Thankfully, I’m old enough to vent and move on and do something about it.

I guess I can say this is just one bump in the road. I have more knowledge, and that’s always a good thing. Now that I know where I’m at I can stop feeling depressed, find me a sturdy horse and get back on the wagon. My husband made an excellent point though. I do great at eating completely clean for months on end if I don’t work out. I’m also half as hungry. Then I start working out, I get so hungry and I make bad decisions that derail any progress. I’m going to have to be more mindful of this.

Thank you for anyone who read through all of my venting. Writing is a really good therapy for me that helps me get all of my thoughts out of my head. I know the people around me would never probably even think of me as the fat kid…We’re just sometimes our own worst critic. But, hopefully I’ll move on and learn from this.

3 Things That Went Well Challenge

Yes…It might be a little obvious. I’m challenging myself a lot lately. Sarah Gottfried MD, was one of the speakers I was able to catch speaking at the AutoImmunity Summit that was a little while back. I subscribed to her email list. She is passionate about her work and very educated on hormones.

In this weeks email she talked about one thing she thought could help anyone. Something that scientists even studied saying that most participants in the studied continued to be happier, six months after the experiment, if they just did this…

They wrote down, for a week, 3 things that went well that day. I like the idea because I am thoroughly guilty of laying down to bed at night, if I haven’t just thoroughly lulled my mind into submission with bedtime yoga, of reflecting on the bad things of the day…..and setting out a mission to not let those bad things happen again, or replaying fights with my husband…what could I have said different? How can I have more tact? The list goes on and on…

So tonight is Day 1 of 7. Three things that went well today and why. Today seems like it may be easier than others, but I’m looking forward to seeing the improvements.

1- I didn’t have to spank or raise my voice to my kids. All day!

You may wonder why this is a big deal? I am seriously trying to keep stress and my cortisol levels to the bare minimum. When my kids act up, most times it’s easy to get angry and yell and scream and bam! They’re back at it 5 minutes later. Causing endless amounts of stress. Prolonged periods lead me to panic/anxiety attacks. So. I’ve been really trying to pick and choose my battles and how I handle each one. Our therapist with Rylan mentioned to remember my place of peace and come from there when I’m trying to discipline them. So, I know tomorrow might not be the same, but today, that was a little victory for me.

2- My husband liked the Paleo Banana Nut White Chocolate Chip Muffins that I baked this morning.

I thoroughly believe in this recipe. It is not my own and you can follow over on this link (https://acommonsensecook.wordpress.com/2014/11/21/recipe-review-banana-nut-chocolate-chip-muffins/) and see my review and the original link. Paleo baking is tough. And it’s tough enough having a very anti-paleo husband. So when I very seriously asked him…”Do you like them?” He said, “I might need to try another bite to make sure.” He then proceeded to put the rest of the muffin in his mouth. I said, “So you like them?” And nothing was lost in translation because he very plainly answered, “Yes.” I could have cried…Actually…I’m shocked I didn’t. I knew this recipe was the closest to conventional baked goods I had ever tried. Paleo baked goods often fall short of our life long glutenated flour conditioning of how those baked goods should taste and feel. So that, thanks to my husband…was not just something that went well…but also pretty dang awesome (thank you honey!).

3- I over came a pretty awful headache.

I am the biggest freaking baby when it comes to headaches. I dozed off in the chair while the kids were napping. When I woke up my head was killing me. Thankfully, my kids have learned that when mommies’ head hurts, it’s best to go play and be quiet. With some firm hints to stay quiet, they cooperated. I sat in my chair for about 15 minutes to gain my composure. I was going to get up and make some ginger tea which is anti-inflammatory and really helps with what I usually feel like are sinus headaches…but then I noticed it was going away. I drank a big glass of water. I was able to complete dinner and now the kids are tucked in bed…and just as an addition…

4- Why not…extra credit. I discovered some articles on “No Poo” or not using conventional shampoo.

I have everything to do it. A friend has already told me about how she used to have hair issues just like mine and how much a year without poo has seen such an improvement with her hair. It’s natural. No harsh chemicals. Just baking soda to cleanse and apple cider vinegar diluted to condition. I don’t know what I’ll do with the hoard of shampoo we received after the tornado…maybe donate to friends or the local charity still helping families.

Today’s theme song? What a Day by Greg Laswell. You’ll get it if you find it. 🙂

Peace and Love my friends. If this “no poo” thing works out, I’m sure I’ll come back with pictures and reviews. ❤

Engaging Change – 31 Day Yoga Challenge

A warning…This next little bit may offend some people, but please understand that isn’t my intention, it is simply my experience in life. Nothing else. I am well aware you may be reading this with different life experiences, and that’s great.

So. One of my biggest “people gripes” is people who think they can pray their life better. Do I think prayer and meditation has its uses? Of course, but I really get tired of hearing about just praying something will happen, or something bad will just go away. What I want to know is, what are you going to do about it? How much responsibility can you lay on a supernatural being, whoever you may believe in? When do you go work towards your goal? So that leads me to today’s post. Engaging change.

Change doesn’t usually knock your door down and say, “It’s me change! You have no choice!” Unless you, like me, have had a tornado come through your house, but that’s neither here nor there.

I have had a lot of emotional issues. My husband and I were fighting so badly and I was in great despair. I still am trying to get over his disregard for my health by wanting to eat conventional food. My feelings are still hurt, but I have to find my own inner happiness to make it through. I am the only one who can make myself happy because outer circumstances are ever changing.

So, to help with my physical well being and mental health, I am wanting to do 31 days of Yoga with Adrienne. She has a yoga channel and she is brilliant at explaining poses. I like that she has a real focus on doing what your makes your body feel good. It shouldn’t hurt. When I was doing DDP Yoga…It was great but it was too stressful on my personal body, and had nothing spiritual to encourage the poses. No method behind the madness. No explanations of how a pose helps you.

Technically it’ll be 32 days if I finish because I did do a great revitalizing flow yesterday, but that, to me, was a setting of intentions. To say, I will accomplish this goal. I am a month and six days away from my big goal of a year without soda. I have endured a tornado, homelessness, food intolerance abounding, dealing with a new house, three children, and my husband being a law enforcement officer. I’ve gotten through a lot. 31 days of yoga, really should be nothing.

To be honest, someone answered a bloggers Facebook asking what their goal was for Christmas, “survive.” I was frankly a little disgusted because Christmas is nothing to survive. I think a more positive attitude could help that person enjoy the holidays instead of dread. Then again, it seems like a lot of people need help enjoying instead of dreading the holiday seasons. Really, I know what it is to just survive and that’s not living. So, this is my engaging change.

I am engaging in change so that I can better myself, my family, and maybe a few friends or strangers. I encourage you to engage in change. Don’t wait for it to happen. Don’t lay responsibility on anyone else.

Today’s the first and I know this blog is new, but on my other blog acommonsensecook.wordpress.com I get comments and feedback and I love it. So…I feel like I’m starting all of my sentences with SO…ha ha ha

Set a goal for this month. Mine is doing yoga and keeping stress low and positivity high. What is yours? Share below! I look forward to engaging with my readers too. ❤

-Ami M. Lee, Journey on the Final Countdown

Depression and Anxiety

I think one of my greatest demons in life is my depression and anxiety. It’s plagued me much of my life and a song lyric comes to mind, “I can’t drown my demons, they know how to swim.” And, that is very true for me. Life, I think, is a constant struggle. There is always a new battle around the corner. But, in the last year, I have found that you can either lay down and die, or you can move on.

I think what makes it worse, in some cases, is when you feel like the environment and energy around you is a constant negative. We don’t always have control over that either. Trust me. My name is Ami, and not only do I have a problem, I’m also a control freak. They say knowing is the first step…I would disagree. I think it’s just who I am and I can’t change it, only learn how to better deal with others, and managing my compulsion to control.

I even see it now in my relationship with my husband. We have the most issues when we’re not in agreement. It usually stems from one of us thinks we should be in control…or more in control of, a certain decision or situation and we both want it to be ourselves.

So how do we deal with anxiety and depression, and not allow our environment to make it that much worse? My answer is simply, in my experience, it depends on who you are. If you like yoga…do yoga. If you like painting…do painting…or drawing, or listening to music, or getting out in nature. There are plenty of bad ideas out there like drugs, alcohol, or food addiction. But, there are plenty of other awesome ideas that can, not necessarily cure you, but give you the lift you need at the moment to bring you back to center. We’re all individuals and have different needs at different times.

I know what works for me is a huge puzzle. I have been pretty emotional lately dealing with a lot of stress and issues. When this happens, I end up in a world of hurt in depression and anxiety. Something as simple as going to the store to pick up eggs can set my anxiety high.

It takes time and practice but here are a few things I do to try to keep positive and steer myself out of depression, anxiety, or negative thoughts/feelings:

  • Redirect negative thoughts to positive ones. Just think of something nice. Usually this can be a subject that you can always think of as nice, or a happy place.
  • Yoga. Conventional yoga that has the spiritual aspect really helps center me and redirects my moods. I feel better able to handle the day when I do yoga.
  • Painting, drawing, writing – All good, creative forms of expression that you can put your mind into and escape the negative thoughts for a while as you concentrate on a positive task.
  • Reading positive quotes, articles, books – What you put in to your mind, is what it will become. If you’re reading a bunch of negativity (i.e. books, comment sections, news articles…) then you’ll adopt that negative way of thinking. You put good in, you get good out.
  • If you need to get away and calm down. Do it. I know as mom’s we’re about the worst to actually do this. But, I have made an effort that even if I go scroll through Facebook, sitting on the side of the tub in our master bathroom, it’s quiet, and I’m taking a few minutes for myself.
  • Clean up your diet. I can’t express how much going Paleo has done for my mental health. I am much more in control and much happier.

I could probably go on for hours, but those are just a few ways I’ve found that works for me. I have discovered though, these positive changes I make in my life doesn’t mean that I will always be immune to negativity, and setbacks.

Yes, I survived what is now believed to be an EF5 tornado. The strongest tornado on the Enhanced Fujita Scale. Yes, I believe I am one strong -blank- lady now. But, It doesn’t mean I’m invincible.

So I guess my best advice about my journey with depression and anxiety, is take time to listen and be still. Meditate. Do whatever you can to listen to your body. It won’t perfect every moment of  your life, but I think you’ll be more easily able to identify issues and direct them in a positive way.