Feeling Like the Fat Kid

**Warning….This is venting. No one has actually been mean to me or said anything about my constant fails and weight.**

Fit Camp Week 2

So…This is Monday, week 3 of Fit Camp. My neighbors started a free camp twice a week for us to come workout. Mondays are cardio and Fridays are strength training. I absolutely love it! I’m not the fastest (in fact I’m always last on the 2 laps). I’m not the most athletic. But, I have fun. We even did Ultimate Frisbee, and that had to be my favorite. It was like fun cardio.

I had started with this schedule idea and it all got thrown off on week 2. I wasn’t eating well. Didn’t feel well. Mostly, it was due to stress from my boys being down right awful. I had been trying to journal…But, that failed too. I didn’t even really get in my yoga. However, I did work out in the yard 3 days this week in the horrendous Arkansas heat. I did make it down to the park on Friday, even though our Fit Camp leaders were out of town, and did my two laps and some yoga.

However…They remembered the scales this week. The fancy scale that can tell me more than just how much I weigh. It didn’t match my scale. My scale said I was about 283… Well….As much as I hate to admit this publicly… Theirs said 292. I had to hold back the tears. I felt so defeated.

I work so hard on my diet. Have cut so many things out… I do work at it. I know consistency is my biggest struggle…But dear lord most people drop sodas and drop 10 pounds…I haven’t had a soda since January 7th, of 2014!!!! (Over 18 months!)

So here is what I learned from this handy dandy scale…Keeping in mind, I am 27 and I’m 5 foot 10 inches tall.

weight: 292

body fat percentage: 50%

muscle mass (in pounds): 137 (Which he said was actually good.)

body fat (in pounds): 155

It also made some recommendations based on these numbers that I should be taking in 144 grams of protein, 150 ounces of water, and my calorie goal should be around 2,100. All good things to know.

But, as I walked around the loop for my laps, I was crying. I texted my husband and he told me to be strong. I stuck with it…Even though I felt like running to my car and driving up the road to my house and hiding. I was embarrassed. I work so hard at trying to lose weight. I eat really clean. More clean than anyone I know. I have discovered the foods that bother me and for the most part am successful at keeping them out of my diet.

As I was walking I couldn’t help but think….I’m the fat kid in camp. I doubt even some of the men don’t weigh as much as I do. I workout, I do yoga, and I don’t let much of anything stop me (especially my weight) from doing anything. But, I’m still the fat kid in class. I’m the biggest and the slowest.

Truthfully…It’s the first time in my life, even though I’ve been overweight most of my life, that I’ve ever felt like the fat kid. Not even in gym during high school. I could handle it. It took me 27 years to finally feel fat. I’ve been able to admit with it. Deal with it. But…I’ve never felt it.

I can only imagine the mental distress this would have caused me 10 years ago. Thankfully, I’m old enough to vent and move on and do something about it.

I guess I can say this is just one bump in the road. I have more knowledge, and that’s always a good thing. Now that I know where I’m at I can stop feeling depressed, find me a sturdy horse and get back on the wagon. My husband made an excellent point though. I do great at eating completely clean for months on end if I don’t work out. I’m also half as hungry. Then I start working out, I get so hungry and I make bad decisions that derail any progress. I’m going to have to be more mindful of this.

Thank you for anyone who read through all of my venting. Writing is a really good therapy for me that helps me get all of my thoughts out of my head. I know the people around me would never probably even think of me as the fat kid…We’re just sometimes our own worst critic. But, hopefully I’ll move on and learn from this.

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