A video from Elliott Hulse (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sT4O_1IiS8E) has, as usual, sparked a line of questions. Questions that have kept me up this night. Tossing and turning. I have so many things to express. I’m learning about all of these different parts that make up me. I feel like I’m constantly walking on a dirt road journey…ever traversing into a deeper version of myself.
At times I have my hippie skirt on. The older I get, the more tie-dye it becomes. I hear it runs in the family. ^__^ The older I get the more I crave compassion for others. For us to all get along. For our planet to be taken care of. To reduce my negative foot print on this world. To leave it better than I found it. It’s this part of me that connects with the peace of Buddhism and the belief that we are all interconnected.
There’s an officer inside me. A very strict and OCD person that likes things to be in order. She needs to control. Everyone must fall in line because I am the boss. I am the experienced person here. I trump you all (talking to my children) in life experience, therefore you should understand my guidance is sound. Fall in line people. Not that hard. My patience is thin and very fragile.
There’s a very angry and crazy person that is a part of me. In all reality…I think the hippie part of me is slowly healing this person. I used to be so out of control. But, in healing, I have to recognize that sometimes I am frustrated and angry. I am angry when things don’t go the way I think they should. I like to have a plan well in advanced and I like follow through. Disruption of my plans opens the door to anxiety and anger.
The artist in me feels like my soul. When I draw it’s as if my soul is taking over and it is the real communicator. The one true lesson I’ve learned. Paper will never judge you. It’s also like self-therapy. This person knows how to soothe and to let go.
I’m a mom. There’s that part of me. I didn’t always know it was there. I let some people trick me into thinking that it wasn’t…but it’s been a long to discovery. This person works hard. Cares so deeply that she is often hurt. Hurt when she feels like her efforts are in vain. Her heart is open and easily harmed, scratched and bruised. This person just wants everyone to be happy. She sacrifices all of her sanity in the hopes that one day, she’ll know she did something right.
I’m a law enforcement officer wife. It’s part of who my husband is, and now it is also a part of me. This person is always striving to show her love for her husband because in all truth, she never knows when that last moment will come. In the end, my greatest goal is to make sure he knows he is so deeply loved and cherished. This person fights for understanding and support above anything, in return for her hard work.
All of this to tell you who I am. But, the question still remains. Who shall I be? I have goals. I have dreams. So many missions and passions to fit into one life span. To create art, to make the world beautiful in as many ways as possible, to teach, and to show compassion. To love everyone above all else, and to learn.
If Elliott were to ask me…What does the ‘Strongest Version of Yourself’ look like…. It’d look like this.
I would say…I would look just like me. A multi-deminsional person. Who is always trying to be the best mom, wife, friend, family member, and tree hugger hippie she can possibly be. It would be a person that always fights. Because I feel the day I stop fighting for my kids, or for my family, or for what I believe, is the day I’ve failed myself. The day I stop struggling, and stop caring, is the day that I have lost the battle.
Because in truth, the strongest version of myself is someone I feel is already in me. It’s the happy, positive, and full of life person that is buried under the surface. Under the mess of people, I am simply Ami. It’s taken me so long to be okay with being so many people in one body and having so many passions without center.
If anything the struggles keeping me up and writing this now…Are the struggles that are the tiny shovel, the careful brushes of the archaeologist digging up that Strongest Version of myself. It’s slow and tedious work. And sometimes a storm comes through and messes up all of your hard work. But we start again. We keep fighting. And keep moving. Or as they said in the Doctor Who episode we watched tonight…KBO. Keep buggering on.
Who Shall I Be?
I envision… The best mother that my kids need me to be. A wife that is unconditionally loving and supporting. A support of my friends hopes and dreams. I want to spread love and compassion through my community. I want to expand my passion for law enforcement officers and those in and around it…And in the process maybe become a LEO myself. I imagine a Stronger Version of Myself that people can say…She worked hard and never quit. She didn’t let anything hold her back from her dreams. The Strongest Version of Myself is balanced, positive, an acknowledger of real feelings…But brilliant at dispersing and dealing with those real feelings.
And when it gets hard or people say I’ll never succeed at my crazy idea of the Strongest Version of Myself I’ll simply say…
I am. I can. I will.