My Name is Ami…And I have a Problem

So where do you start on a new blog? This is a continuation of a blog I had on blogger.com but I’ve decided, with the success of my recipe blog, that I would begin anew. My name is Ami and I have a problem.

I am a 26 year old stressed out, wife and mother of three. I have extreme anxiety issues, and am incredibly overweight. I am tired, unmotivated, and very alone.

You see my husband is a transport deputy working in law enforcement with hopes and dreams to go to patrol. I don’t expect anyone but other LEO spouses to understand how hard this can really be. Knowing your husband might not come home at any given time. He works nights, and is rarely home. We are not very wealthy, so grown up date nights, or treats to be Nick and Ami, instead of mommy and daddy are very few and very far between. We love our kids dearly, but I think if you think about it, everyone needs time to be a grown up.

I have a five year old daughter named Madison who is the perfect child. She is sweet, cuddly, and my right hand gal. She is polite and kind and loves us and loves her brothers. I rarely have any issues with Madison other than the uncanny high pitch of her voice when she’s singing on and on and on…

My middle son who is 4 years old is my husband’s son from a previous marriage that I adopted. He has really extreme behavioral issues. We are in therapy to help him because his temper tantrums and constant picking and gouging of his skin has caused great concern. I finally admitted to my husband all of my negative thoughts about how much easier life would be if we had let him live with my husband’s mother. I don’t understand him and I am constantly frustrated that he doesn’t jump on board and fall in line with my other two kiddos. He whines and cries to everyone to get his way. I don’t tolerate this, so of course, he rarely acknowledges my existence and often in a day the only words I hear are a reluctant “yes ma’am.” He steals food out of the kitchen and has convinced his little brother to do the same. I am working really hard on this…and this is really why I’m renewing my commitment to this blog. Please spare the judgments. I am working on this. I truly know how bad this sounds.

My youngest son is 3 years old. He is cute, cuddly, and squishy. However, he is in that terrible 3’s stage. He’s getting better at communicating, but I can tell, at times, his biggest frustration is that we don’t understand. He often falls on the ground when he doesn’t get what he wants and cries often if I don’t immediately give him what he wants. I am not the type of mom to drop everything on a dime and bow down to my children’s every will. Patience is something I often try to teach and repeat over and over again…What does patience mean? It means waiting nicely, they reply. But, I feel mentally, he’s just not quite old enough to control himself yet.

And me? Well I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder two years ago. I have extreme anxiety and it doesn’t take much to set me off. Sounds and loud noise, or children being too loud, bother me. Messy rooms, things not staying clean after I just cleaned them. I am very OCD and not very patient. I am a strict parent and I expect immediate obedience. Again..I’m not very patient. I love my kids and I love my husband, but it gets tough being lonely and dealing with so much.

I’m a stay at home mom and while I can be grateful for the time spent with my kids, I absolutely hate being stuck in the house for weeks on end. I do not have any friends that live near by and I do not have money to go visit them. I don’t go to church, and that’s about the only thing to do in this tiny town to make friends. I’m sure money could solve about half of my mental issues, if I could just interact with grown ups, without my kids, with like minded people, once a week. But, sadly, that’s not the case here.

I am not religious. I decided that Christianity was not for me nearly two years ago. Yes, I know Jesus loves me. No, I am not mad at God or rebelling, even though that Pastor told me my house was destroyed by a tornado because of sinning. No. I think it’s too loud, and not enough substance. Or at least not in this local area. I have a wonderful church family that I love, that just happens to be too far away and I know that they still love me, even though I have too many questions to justify identifying myself as Christian. However, Buddhism, which I like and try to read on often, is very close to my beliefs. It gives me much more peace than Christianity ever did. And, it gives me a platform to say, I don’t dislike any religion in it’s generality, it just wasn’t for me and if it leads you to serve the greater good, then good on you. I recently started reading the Quran so that I could see what the big deal was. I was seeing so many negative stories, and turns out…It has the same stories as the Bible. Go figure.

I love my family very much, but my relationship with them has always been strained. I have always felt like the black sheep and that I never really belonged. My opinions are too strong and nothing like theirs. But, like I said, on the occasion that I do see them I do feel a great deal of love for them, especially my aunts and uncles who always tell the best stories. I had a terrible situation happen where my step mom stole money that one of my aunt’s sent for me after the storm, so she’s really dead to me. Which makes it hard to have a relationship with my dad and step siblings. But, I try as much as possible with my dad, because I will always love him. My younger half sister had a baby at 15, and I’m still not quite sure what to think about it. I think she’ll be a good mom, don’t get me wrong…But, I guess I’m still buffering on that. I’m sure I’ll get plenty of hateful stories coming back to me that I’m talking about my step mom…but hey, if other people can scream about saying what they want…My blog. My life. My story.

Oh, so yeah…As you may have noticed. A tornado destroyed our house back on April 27th of this year. Not just destroyed…We never recovered 99.9% of the things we owned. There wasn’t even carpet on the floors. We lived with my husband’s little brother for a month before his wife started fighting with the brother, who complained to his dad, who texted us in the middle of the night to move out. I had to take my kids to my mom’s and had to leave Nick to figure out where to go. He eventually ended up on his female corporal’s couch. No. I didn’t approve of it and yes I trust my husband. Doesn’t mean I have to like what happened. At least he had a roof over his head. A week later, I left my mom’s…Stayed for a week with a friend. And then eventually ended up in a hotel in Conway. We were homeless wanders, me and two kids, for 3 months. We bought manufactured house thinking space vs. price would be advantageous to our situation. Now we’re dealing with a house that is brand new but falling apart because of the poor quality of craftsmanship and materials used.

Back in March my husband decided to order DDP Yoga. I love DDP Yoga even though I haven’t done it in a while. I went gluten and dairy free and within a week discovered an extreme intolerance to gluten. You could see how hard it was when in April, I became homeless from the tornado. Never mind the constant criticism from my family that I was feeding my kids paleo. I am extremely sensitive to gluten, dairy, sugar, coffee (yep this momma can’t have coffee…do you see now why I’m writing this blog if you’ve made it this far?) and I try my best to avoid soy, rice, and corn and gmo’s. Yes, the older I get, the closer to an old Hippie lady I become. I hear it runs in the family. LOL My husband’s family is often clueless, even though my husband’s mom is really doing her best to help out and understand it. Mark, my youngest, is severely lactose intolerant and through becoming paleo, all my kids have become sensitive to conventional food. My kids ate mcdonald’s last night since my husband and I had to go to the LEO Awards Banquet, and now they all have diarrhea and have been in the bathroom half the day. Two steps forward…three steps back…ya know?

Thanksgiving is coming up…and Christmas…I am cooking a big meal for my family and I’m excited but extremely stressed out about cooking a mostly paleo thanksgiving. I will be using gf cornbread, and bread that uses rice flour. This is my superbowl and I will be cooking from scratch. I am stressed because I don’t know how I’ll fit the in-law’s thanksgiving next door into my busy schedule without offending someone.

I am beyond paranoid. Right now I can think of 4 rumors to be started by this post that will eventually get back to me and let me know who is in fact talking about me…Which hell, I’m talking about them. I’m too old for high school drama so I am beyond caring. I am always, deathly afraid of offending people and often hold in too many things….Made even more obvious by this post…I should give people a prize for reading this far! ha ha ha…but not seriously, I’m again…too poor for that unless you’d like a poorly crocheted scarf.

So why am I venting? Because I really needed that and to set as an example the need to write and the need to vent. I get trapped up in my head and the negativity runs rampant. So. What am I doing to combat all the above chaos that has become my life recently? I am going to slow, the, blank, down.

My name is Ami, and I, dear readers, have a big problem. I am stressed beyond the point of sanity. I find myself screaming at my kids and not handling things constructively, and unable to find anything else to do to solve my parenting issues. I find myself resenting my husband for being too busy. I feel lonely but don’t reach out to my friends to ask for a visit or a phone call.

My name is Ami, and this is where I change it.

So here are my health goals to make Ami and healthier person, mind, body, and spirit:

  • Less Facebook and Television
  • More Yoga
  • More Reading on Yoga, Buddhism, Peace of Mind, Paleo
  • Redirect negative thoughts to positive thoughts
  • Listen to Positive/Calming Music
  • Listen to older episodes of The Paleo View
  • Find resources on kind but firm parenting
  • Less Yelling
  • Find something to redirect when I’m angry, but not ignoring the problem

I’m sure the list is much longer, but that is what I have written down. If I want to accomplish becoming the strongest version of myself and being the person my kids and husband and my body needs me to be, I have to slow down. I have to quit reading the stupid posts other people like, but didn’t share, not knowing I can’t help but read the stupid comments.

So. I am saying Good-bye to Facebook, but keeping my blogging. My cooking blog is a joy and a thrill to have amazing people like and share my love of food. I will post on my journey with this blog in the hopes that I can center my thoughts and make them productive instead of destructive. I will concentrate on yoga and being kind to my body…And if THE SUN WILL EVER RETURN TO VILONIA! I will work on getting more sun and vitamin d. I will work on not stressing out. When I do stress out, I’ll redirect to something positive. I have got to do this or I am going to go crazy. And ain’t no body got time for that! Life is long and short at the same time. There are times I really enjoy my life and I would like that time to be all the time.

So this is me. Ami. Trying to fix my problem in a healthy way. Going paleo… I listen to a lot of opinions and I got so mad at that vegan video saying paleo’s are addicted to drugs like caffeine and they can’t sustain their way of life without chemical stimulation. Damn right *explicative deleted*! Because this paleo mom doesn’t really eat sugar, doesn’t drink coffee or tea…This gal is not able to have that vice for when life goes bad. I can have a panic attack because I’ve had a bad day and drink a cup of coffee and chill out. I live in a dry county, otherwise, I would probably drink wine a little too much. This is me. Off drugs. On a journey. So…if you read this 2,300+ words and got this far, pat  yourself on your back for supporting me. Because I am sending you big hugs! Let’s hope this next post will be a little more cheerful. I will probably write again later on Yoga…I found a video on YouTube I want to do that I may share. In this world, I’m ready to switch off…not with drugs, medications, suicide…But with health.

I’m sending you guys love for your journey, and giving myself an inner high five for writing and getting this stuff off my chest. I’ll try to update this page and get the FB page attached if you’d like to follow me further.

-Peace and Love, Ami M. Lee

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